Journey Day 281

Today I read something that made my feelings of guilt go away. You see my guilt is not over anything that I have done but instead my guilt stems from my feelings of inadequacy in my relationship with God. I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough, giving enough, making a big enough difference, or spending enough time with God. I constantly struggle with the irrational fear that one day God is going to realize that  I have nothing to offer Him but my brokenness and in that moment, kick me to the curb. Like the pharisees of Jesus's time, I seem to gauge my spiritual growth on how much time, effort, and energy I give to God. And while yes, those things are important and they have a time and a place, sometimes God just wants me to be still with Him and to enjoy His presence. I get so caught up in doing stuff FOR Him that I forget to ENJOY Him. Sometimes I get to this place where I don't feel that Jesus high anymore, and life is ordinary again and I start to freak out a little because I worry that I am losing my love and my intimacy with God. And that is where the guilt starts, that is when I start to go into a frenzy of doing things and reading things all in a futile attempt to regain my "Jesus high". I somehow believe that if I do enough for God my high will come back, but in that moment I forget grace, and it's beauty. I just picture God watching me, and saying "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the Earth. My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made completely perfect in your weaknesses. Just be still." Good ol' Oswald Chambers reminded me that there comes a time in your relationship with God where you are intimate enough, in love enough and strong enough to experience the "emptiness" of a regular ol life. Before this point our faith had become dependent on feelings and the blessings we receive, but the true question is when you are just living your life and it's just you and God living in reality will you still depend on Him? When the high is gone do you still pray and seek His face, or do you just depend on the emotions and blessings to get you through? When it seems that outward blessings are gone is God still your sustainer? The seasons where you don't feel that high don't have to be times of spiritual dryness! Maybe God is perfecting your faith so you can truly do HIS will and not your own. And that my friends is why my guilt is gone! Maybe right now God is just teaching me how to depend on Him without all the bells and whistles of feelings and emotions. Maybe God is making my faith permanent. He's showing me that yes, He is there in the good times, but more importantly He is there through the everyday and the mundane. Reality can't always be a Jesus high, but God is always going to be there and He's always going to be leading my steps! And you know what? I don't have to strive all the time... sometimes it's ok to just be still and enjoy my everyday journey with the lover of my soul. Because God doesn't call us to a life of chains, burden and guilt, He calls us to abundant freedom.