Journey Day 312

I'm always nervous to be completely real with you guys... I don't want you to think less of me.... but I also don't want to be blog me and real life me. I don't want to be the perfect christian, who has it all together on here, but the flawed, broken person in reality. I just want you gusy to see the real me. So today I'm going to be real with you about my struggles, and pray that you don't judge me.
 
Twice a month, for a total of about a week and a half, I get legit depressed. Not just sad or melancholy. It's not caused by an event in my life, it's a hormonal imbalance caused by PMDD, which stands for pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder.  Until you've experienced true depression you will never really know what it's like. It's more than a funk, it's more than being sad, it feels like I'm in a dark hole and I can't get out. I'm sad all the time, I want to cry all the time, I'm constantly on edge and cranky. I'm basically awful to be around for about 3 days mid month and then 5 days at the end. I'm currently coming out of a bout of this depression. It's incredible how different I feel after the PMDD passes. Things seem happier, I'm less cranky and edgy, I enjoy people, I feel like I can smile again. It's like the world loses it's shine for a little while and I finally have it back. I've been searching for some kind of way to help cope with this imbalance in my body and I found something called "Sam-e" that I am going to try. You can take anti-depressants and birth control to help, but I'd rather try every natural way before I resort to something chemical. But during these times of depression God and I get much deeper, because I get extra real with Him. I get mad, I get sad, I get frustrated, and He listens. He listens and He comforts. Last night I broke out my journal to write my sadness and loneliness to God. I just felt alone, and like He had forgotten about me and about my desires. This specific journal has verses at the bottom, so I read it before I started writing. " I will not forget you! See I have you engraved on the palms of my hands." Isaiah 49:15-16.  Those verses are followed by God talking about even though everything seems ruined right now, God is going to fix it. Their enemies will be far from them and God will redeem them. He is their comfortor and never forgets them. This was exactly what I needed to read. It was like God was saying to me, "Sarah, I am your provider, the lover of your soul, and mighty to save. I never forget you. See I have you engraved on the palms of my hands. I love you so much that I work even in the small things, like the verses that are written in your journal. My hands works even then so that you will read that verse and your heart will be ministered to through it. I'm in the small things dear one." When I read that verse I started crying. Not out of sadness, but out of relief. Even when I feel alone I am not... God never forgets me or forsakes me. I am written on the palm of His hand.